David R. Herz: for Men

One of the things I am really big on is putting your past in your past. (I highly recommend Landmark. for this.) Most of that lies in the stories we well ourselves about what happened and how the world is.

So today, I'd like to invite you to write down all the things you say about your gender, the opposite gender, and relationships. Maybe start with a list this morning. Ask your friends and coworkers about theirs during the day, and then add to the list this evening the things they say.

Then go back to each item and ask yourself, “Do you act like you believe it?” I'm not asking if you believe it. I'm sure there's stuff you know to be wrong, but you act that way anyway. One of mine is that there is stuff that you just don't share. And I know I can share anything with my wife and she'll still love me.

Then ask yourself if it's true. In my example, it's no: whatever it is, I don't think I've ever felt worse for sharing, and Sharleen usually helps. On top of that, Sharleen worries less not having to guess about what's bothering me.

What you want to notice is how much you limit yourself and how you put yourself out there based on the stories you tell, and the rules that go with them: how soon to text or call, when can you call it a date, what you can or can't talk about, when you can kiss her. The thing is a lot of us straight-jacket ourselves and then wonder why a date is no fun, if we can even get one.

Last, ask yourself, if I didn't have to be that way (which you don't), what way could I be? Then bring that to your next encounter, and see what happens. It might not get you the result you want right away. You might have to adjust along the way, but you'll be free to do that, and have a lot more fun along the way.

And, as always, if I can help you do that, I'd be happy to:

Book Here

First, I apologize for not getting into your in-boxes last week.

Second, I wish everyone the Happiest of Holidays and an Amazing New Year.

Now, the thing about having an Amazing New Year is that you've got to create it. If you keep doing what you've already been doing, there's a pretty good chance you'll keep having the same result. And if you are here spending some time with me, I'm guessing that's not what you want.

So I'd like you to take a little time to orient yourself for the year ahead. Start by downloading my Manning Up: The Guide Back. On page 15, you'll find an exercise I borrowed from Tucker Max's book Mate: Become the Man Women Want.

Do that exercise. It's about getting clear on what you want. When you've done that, I'll ask you to invest another four and a quarter minutes listening to this podcast: Brett McKay interviews Lewis Howse of the School of Greatness. Start at six minutes in. Mr. Howse gives you a suggestion for creating your vision. You want to be clear on that. I'll add that you should indicate why you want that.

I help guys who want to get married. Is that what you really want? Make sure it's not just what you think is right because of what your friends or family say. Figure out what it is in marriage or a long term relationship that turns you on and that would be worth investing your time to make it happen.

In my case, I'm tickled to have a built in best friend and playmate, someone I can love and let love me. That's a pretty big deal. But it's also a whole bunch of small things. It's knowing I'm not coming to an empty house at the end of the day. It's having someone I can share my wins and losses with. It's having someone I can cook for and be generous with. Sometimes it's just not being alone.

So now it's your turn. Let's get clear. And if you want to share, and get some feedback, I invite you over to the facebook page.

In the meantime, have a great New Year's celebration. But please, set yourself up so that it's followed by an even greater year.

All My Best,

David

I don't think it's wrong but a friend does. There's a girl I think is cute. I flirt with her a lot and she has a boyfriend. He thinks I'm wrong for doing so but I don't see the problem.

No problem at all from your side. It might not be the best move for her.

Here, I’m going to make up some rules for flirting with another guy’s girlfriend:

1. Make sure her current boyfriend isn’t going to knock your block off if he finds out.
   
2. Set clear boundaries for yourself. For instance, don’t let it go beyond flirting unless she has first completed her relationship with her current boyfriend. You wouldn’t want someone to cheat on you. And you probably wouldn’t in the long run want to be with someone who can’t be honest.
   
3. Before you flirt with her, ask yourself if there isn’t really someone else you should be flirting with. It seems kind of stupid to waste your energies on people with low relationship potential.
   

Ask a different question. Our mind gives us answers to the questions we ask it. You're asking your mind to invent a raft of trust issues.

Why not start asking, “How can I connect with the people I meet today?” You'll start making connections. Some of those, you'll want to deepen. Before you know it you'll have life full of people you feel connected to, and some you will be ready to trust with anything, including your heart.

And if You want some help being the kind of Man who asks the right questions, you might want to join my course starting next week:

Start Being the Man Women Want

I wonder what goes through people's heads as they risk life and limb to join frenzied mobs to be one of the lucky ones to grab a deal, as they fight and fret so that they may stand on line and possibly go into further debt.

I suppose bragging rights may play a part. “You should see the crowds I had to brave to get my kid the new XYZ gaming console.” “Look at this bruise I got when I had to fight over the last umpteen inch TV in the store.”

And I should not dismiss basic economics. If I can save fifty dollars on a product I actually need, and I make only $15 an hour, and it only costs me two extra hours and five bucks in gas, I've saved $15. And I've got some bragging rights in the bargain.

But the cost is far higher than any savings. The average household credit card debt is $15,675, which leaves the average consumer paying $2600 a year in credit card debt.

Let's say you spend just $500 on your holiday shopping. If you are only paying 15% on your card, you're paying an extra $75 a year to carry that debt, or five working hours.

Taking the $2600 average payment in the US, even if you earn $26 an hour. You're still looking at a 100 hours of work a year to carry your debt, 67 hours of time and a half work, 50 of double time.

But you also get a lot of stress, and worry, and maybe a big TV, that you can stress and worry in front of.

There are better things to do with your time, especially if you want a relationship.

Instead of spending two hours to get some appliance you'll be replacing in a few years anyway, why not create a memory that could be with you a lifetime.

Leave your phones at home. Take a walk in some deserted summer hangout, go ice skating, if you can still find an old main street with holiday lights and cheer, take a walk, and don't stop to shop. Just enjoy the sights and smells.

If you can, find a coffee shop or bakery that isn't Starbucks, and doesn't have wifi, and enjoy the moments with each other.

If you are already in a relationship, maybe spend the time to do that thing that you said you'd get around to, which you are reminded about all the time, and which really, if you admit it, ought to get done. That will be remembered. Send the gardener away and rake the leaves yourself, if they are still there, and then come in and have home-made hot-chocolate together.

If you are a little artistic, or even not, you could just fold a piece of paper in four and make a card.

The thing is, people remember how you make them feel, and they remember that far longer than they will remember what you bought them, but maybe not quite as long as you'll remember that you have to pay and pay and pay, and work and work and work, and spend countless hours of your life for what you don't even remember you bought this Christmas, and the last, and the one before that.

So I suggest you use the one thing you can't get back, your time, to create the memories that will always be with you, and that maybe the better memory is the time you spent with the people you love rather than the time you had to fight to get the device/toy/gadget/fashion item of the season so you could pay it off longer than you care to remember.