David R. Herz: for Men

Help Needed! Having some tough times lately, promotions not selling…almost broke…
What is the best book/​audiobook you know on handling our own emotions/​fear of not being good enough/​fear of screwing up?

I don't know that the best thing to handle your emotions is to hole up with another book. If you've read any book on the subject, the answer is usually something like a few simple disciplines, repeated over time will give you unparalleled success in your particular pond.

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Dear Men:

Welcome to my list. I'm glad you are here. I hope you've had a chance to read the book.

Assuming you have, you should already understand that women will find you more interesting when you are interested, committed, growing.

Inside of that I noticed something about how we speak. Yesterday, I was reporting to a colleague on some research I am doing. I started writing, “Other than A and B, I didn't get much done.”

And then it hit me. I did A and B. And that's what I wrote, What's more, instead of feeling guilty for not doing enough, I added “I'm sorry, but I'm going to be busy tomorrow. I have other commitments.”

And this got me to thinking about how we represent ourselves, particularly where it comes to work. So I ask you to think about how you tell women what you do.

I'll give you two examples. First:

Her: “What do you do?”
Him: “I'm a divorce lawyer.”

This isn't actually a doing. It's the name of a job. Now try:

Her: “What do you do?”

Him: “I help people unravel their broken marriages and rebuild their lives.”

I'm not suggesting being coy and denying it when she says, “So, you're a divorce lawyer?” What I am suggesting is that you find what it is inside your work that actually gives you some reason or satisfaction to be there, and share that.

The fact that you are up to something makes you more attractive, as does the fact that you get what you are up to and the impact you make in the world.

So I invite you to look for the gold inside what you do, and find a way to express that so that it expresses the difference you are out to make in the world.

And as you do that, you might find a key into her world. So if she says “I'm a divorce lawyer,” you can say “So you help people unravel their screwed up marriages and build new lives. Wow, that's prettty neat. Tell me more about that.” It's a great way to make her feel gotten and acknowledged.

And if you haven't read the book yet, you can find it again here.

All my Best

David R. Herz