David R. Herz: for Men

How can a man know he is putting his time into the right woman, the woman who will not leave him?

You can't. She might get hit by a bus tomorrow, or die of cancer in three years, or just walk out because she is bored of you. Life is uncertain.

But here's the thing. If you start looking for signs she might walk out, you'll find them. Our mind is funny that way. It tries to find answers to the questions we ask. So we need to be really careful with the questions we ask. If you ask instead, “How can I love her so she will stay with me forever?” I promise you will have a lot more fun. And even someone who seemed a complete flake at the beginning might turn into the person who wouldn't leave you for anything.

And if you are ready to be that person, you can start this Wednesday at 7:00 eastern time.

Start Being the Man Women Want

Ask a different question. Our mind gives us answers to the questions we ask it. You're asking your mind to invent a raft of trust issues.

Why not start asking, “How can I connect with the people I meet today?” You'll start making connections. Some of those, you'll want to deepen. Before you know it you'll have life full of people you feel connected to, and some you will be ready to trust with anything, including your heart.

And if You want some help being the kind of Man who asks the right questions, you might want to join my course starting next week:

Start Being the Man Women Want

I wonder what goes through people's heads as they risk life and limb to join frenzied mobs to be one of the lucky ones to grab a deal, as they fight and fret so that they may stand on line and possibly go into further debt.

I suppose bragging rights may play a part. “You should see the crowds I had to brave to get my kid the new XYZ gaming console.” “Look at this bruise I got when I had to fight over the last umpteen inch TV in the store.”

And I should not dismiss basic economics. If I can save fifty dollars on a product I actually need, and I make only $15 an hour, and it only costs me two extra hours and five bucks in gas, I've saved $15. And I've got some bragging rights in the bargain.

But the cost is far higher than any savings. The average household credit card debt is $15,675, which leaves the average consumer paying $2600 a year in credit card debt.

Let's say you spend just $500 on your holiday shopping. If you are only paying 15% on your card, you're paying an extra $75 a year to carry that debt, or five working hours.

Taking the $2600 average payment in the US, even if you earn $26 an hour. You're still looking at a 100 hours of work a year to carry your debt, 67 hours of time and a half work, 50 of double time.

But you also get a lot of stress, and worry, and maybe a big TV, that you can stress and worry in front of.

There are better things to do with your time, especially if you want a relationship.

Instead of spending two hours to get some appliance you'll be replacing in a few years anyway, why not create a memory that could be with you a lifetime.

Leave your phones at home. Take a walk in some deserted summer hangout, go ice skating, if you can still find an old main street with holiday lights and cheer, take a walk, and don't stop to shop. Just enjoy the sights and smells.

If you can, find a coffee shop or bakery that isn't Starbucks, and doesn't have wifi, and enjoy the moments with each other.

If you are already in a relationship, maybe spend the time to do that thing that you said you'd get around to, which you are reminded about all the time, and which really, if you admit it, ought to get done. That will be remembered. Send the gardener away and rake the leaves yourself, if they are still there, and then come in and have home-made hot-chocolate together.

If you are a little artistic, or even not, you could just fold a piece of paper in four and make a card.

The thing is, people remember how you make them feel, and they remember that far longer than they will remember what you bought them, but maybe not quite as long as you'll remember that you have to pay and pay and pay, and work and work and work, and spend countless hours of your life for what you don't even remember you bought this Christmas, and the last, and the one before that.

So I suggest you use the one thing you can't get back, your time, to create the memories that will always be with you, and that maybe the better memory is the time you spent with the people you love rather than the time you had to fight to get the device/toy/gadget/fashion item of the season so you could pay it off longer than you care to remember.

First, I thank you. Thanks for making it this far. Thanks for taking on that you can have a great relationship. Thank You for realizing it's in your power. You've probably figured out by now it's a little harder than you once imagined, but you also get that the other side is worth the effort you put in.

I saw this yesterday:

What would it be like if this is how we attacked all the challenges in our lives? What if we celebrated each win along the way like this girl does? This girl isn't saying holy @#$%, I didn't win at the rodeo, but she's probably seen people ride there by now. She gets that the first step is just getting on the horse.

It's the same with us. You want marriage, or long-term love. First you've got to get on the horse, walk up and say hello, lots of times. Maybe adjust your stance, and that's just to get a hello back. And that is enough to celebrate.

The thing is most of us don't celebrate the wins along the way, and that can make the big game look like it's unwinnable. It's not. But this might also happen:

This is life. We will get dumped in the mud. We will look stupid. But if we don't get past that, we'll never be able to actually ride.

We forget relating is a skill. We can learn to listen and talk just like these girls are learning to ride. And the more we do it - add a little bit of training with the right coach - and we can become more than adequate at the task.

And if we learn to listen to the horse, it doesn't look like it takes any effort at all:

And with enough practice, a relationship can look this easy as well.

Your Holiday Challenge

Every day this week, talk to a woman in your life and thank her for something, whether it's your mom just for bringing you to this life, a sister or cousin for the one time she was nice to you, or your once best friend with whom you have lost touch.

And your bonus challenge is to ask them one thing that they like about you that they don't think you appreciate enough about yourself.

And then head over to the facebook group, and let us know how it panned out.

What should I do if my wife doesn't surprise me on my birthday?
I always wanted my wife to surprise me on my birthday but she just wishes me. That's all. Nothing more than that. I just feel bad after reading few answers on Quora about Wife-Husband birthday surprises. What should I do now?
PS: My wife loves me so much!

My first suggestion is to go and tell her. The second is to be surprised by everything that happens:

“I woke up! Wow, how amazing it is to be alive. I have a wife next to me, how cool is that. She loves me. Holy moly, this is going to be a great day.”

This is actually be a great way to go through all of life.

Maybe you should also find pleasant ways to surprise her. Take on finding a way to get that special smile out of her every day, if it's a flower, taking out the garbage before she asks you, helping with something you usually don't do. Maybe she'll get how much fun that can be and start to look for ways to make you smile too.