I'm not shy, I just don't know what to talk about with people. What do people usually talk about?
I've read the usual books (How to win friends, etc.) and I put myself out there. But when I do meet people, it doesn't go anywhere because I don't know what to talk about. I try to avoid politics and religion and most people don't do what I do in science.
I can't stand what people usually talk about. And I'm interested in bettering the human condition. So I like to ask things like: what would your perfect day look like, whom do you admire, and why, if you knew you couldn't fail, what would you do in life.
And there's nothing wrong with politics or religion, if you can still find people who are willing to discuss instead of pontificate.
These are for a specific purpose, but there are some great ideas here for getting to know a person: 36 Questions to Bring You Closer Together.
Or you could just say, “I'm not so great with the small talk. What would you like to talk about?”
As a 28 year old unmarried man, what is the one thing I should look forward to in my future?
The one thing that I can predict is your being a 28 years and one day old unmarried man.
The thing is we walk around thinking the future will happen to us. Some of us get lucky and it does, but most people just get to the next day, which looks exactly like this day.
If you want a different future, you declare a different future, and then you make a plan for that future and then you put that plan in your calendar, and you take the steps you wrote down there.
So the only question left is what do you want to declare. And if you want help structuring your life to get that:
One of the things I am really big on is putting your past in your past. (I highly recommend Landmark. for this.) Most of that lies in the stories we well ourselves about what happened and how the world is.
So today, I'd like to invite you to write down all the things you say about your gender, the opposite gender, and relationships. Maybe start with a list this morning. Ask your friends and coworkers about theirs during the day, and then add to the list this evening the things they say.
Then go back to each item and ask yourself, “Do you act like you believe it?” I'm not asking if you believe it. I'm sure there's stuff you know to be wrong, but you act that way anyway. One of mine is that there is stuff that you just don't share. And I know I can share anything with my wife and she'll still love me.
Then ask yourself if it's true. In my example, it's no: whatever it is, I don't think I've ever felt worse for sharing, and Sharleen usually helps. On top of that, Sharleen worries less not having to guess about what's bothering me.
What you want to notice is how much you limit yourself and how you put yourself out there based on the stories you tell, and the rules that go with them: how soon to text or call, when can you call it a date, what you can or can't talk about, when you can kiss her. The thing is a lot of us straight-jacket ourselves and then wonder why a date is no fun, if we can even get one.
Last, ask yourself, if I didn't have to be that way (which you don't), what way could I be? Then bring that to your next encounter, and see what happens. It might not get you the result you want right away. You might have to adjust along the way, but you'll be free to do that, and have a lot more fun along the way.
And, as always, if I can help you do that, I'd be happy to:
First, I apologize for not getting into your in-boxes last week.
Second, I wish everyone the Happiest of Holidays and an Amazing New Year.
Now, the thing about having an Amazing New Year is that you've got to create it. If you keep doing what you've already been doing, there's a pretty good chance you'll keep having the same result. And if you are here spending some time with me, I'm guessing that's not what you want.
So I'd like you to take a little time to orient yourself for the year ahead. Start by downloading my Manning Up: The Guide Back. On page 15, you'll find an exercise I borrowed from Tucker Max's book Mate: Become the Man Women Want.
Do that exercise. It's about getting clear on what you want. When you've done that, I'll ask you to invest another four and a quarter minutes listening to this podcast: Brett McKay interviews Lewis Howse of the School of Greatness. Start at six minutes in. Mr. Howse gives you a suggestion for creating your vision. You want to be clear on that. I'll add that you should indicate why you want that.
I help guys who want to get married. Is that what you really want? Make sure it's not just what you think is right because of what your friends or family say. Figure out what it is in marriage or a long term relationship that turns you on and that would be worth investing your time to make it happen.
In my case, I'm tickled to have a built in best friend and playmate, someone I can love and let love me. That's a pretty big deal. But it's also a whole bunch of small things. It's knowing I'm not coming to an empty house at the end of the day. It's having someone I can share my wins and losses with. It's having someone I can cook for and be generous with. Sometimes it's just not being alone.
So now it's your turn. Let's get clear. And if you want to share, and get some feedback, I invite you over to the facebook page.
In the meantime, have a great New Year's celebration. But please, set yourself up so that it's followed by an even greater year.
All My Best,
David
I don't think it's wrong but a friend does. There's a girl I think is cute. I flirt with her a lot and she has a boyfriend. He thinks I'm wrong for doing so but I don't see the problem.
No problem at all from your side. It might not be the best move for her.
Here, I’m going to make up some rules for flirting with another guy’s girlfriend: