David R. Herz: for Men

I let my Girlfriend go because I can't bear to see her cry any longer. Was it the right thing to do?

I decided to let her go, and I'll regret it, but I'm dealing with a lot of problems: dad got a stroke, mom's asthma worsens, and my company is on the verge of bankruptcy. I am very depressed. I drink every night to feel numb. My girlfriend shares my pain and she always cries. It kills me to see her that way.

You are an idiot. You dumped your girlfriend because you can't stand yourself, you wallow in self-pity, she feels for you, and because she feels for you, and you feel guilty about it, you dump her.

No, it was the wrong thing to do. My question: “Do you have the balls to do the right thing?”

The right thing:

1. Declare that you are the source of all your problems.
2. Look at all your problems and find what to be grateful for inside them:
   • Dad had a stroke: Thank your maker that he didn't die, and you still have a dad that you can visit and get complete with before he dies. Acknowledge him for the life he gave you and everything that is good in it. Forgive him for anything that you have been blaming him for. Take responsibility for anything that does not work.
   • Your mom: Same thing. You still have a mom. Find a way to make her smile every day. Find a way to make her proud of you every day.
   • Your company: If you own it, find a way to save it or pivot so that it makes money. If it's going bust and there's no saving it, close and complete it's business in as honorable a way as you can. Get that you actually got the privilege to run a company. That's a big deal, even if it failed. Most do, by the way. If it's someone else's, stop acting like an employee and start acting like an owner. Find ways to add such massive value that it can survive. Or find another job.
3. The alcohol just screws you up. Stop it. Get to bed by 10:00. Get up at 5:30, make your bed, straighten out your room, and get some exercise. Write down ten ideas a day, write down three things to be grateful for, and then reach out to someone in your life and thank them, and don't be afraid to reach back 10 or 20 years and let people know they touched you. Pick one thing that you are going to accomplish that day. Then do it.
4. Find other ways to make money, even if it's cleaning out kitty litter for old cat ladies who can't take proper care of their cats anymore.
5. Last, complete with your girlfriend: How to Leave Your Ex Behind. But in this case, you are not going to leave her behind. She loves you. You love her. Your job is going to be to make her right. Every amazing thing she sees in you, you are going to ask yourself “How can I bring that to the world today?” instead of trying to prove that you are not that.

I hereby deny you any permission to second guess your girlfriend. If she says she loves you, you are just going to have to accept that you are lovable. You are going to take on that she sees every defect, wart, every cruddy thing you have ever done, and she still loves you, and that's okay.

And stop asking stupid questions like “Was it the Right Thing to Do?” That just gets your head spinning about what happened in the past that you can't change anymore. Ask instead: “What is the rightest thing I can do with what I know right now?” And then do that and don't look back.

And if you need help with any of this Hire Me. I promise you you'll have the best year ever.

Why do you know that? How do you know that?

Maybe you should start a relationship in the pursuit of the relationship that could last forever. In other words, be responsible for constantly growing the relationship. Never settle for a person who is just nice, and maybe even great in bed. Find someone who constantly challenges you to be a better version of yourself. If you find her, you probably won’t want to leave. And if this is who you are looking for, this might just be the person you create.

What should I do and avoid to do to improve myself by 1% every single day?

1. Sleep enough
2. Eat Well
3. Exercise
4. Touch one person’s life
5. Practice whatever it is you want to get better at. Get a coach to make sure you are doing the kind of practice that will lead to the quickest results. See Jim Kwik, Tim Ferriss, Eric Barker (there are many others) to help you get the results you want fastest.
6. Practice Gratitude

Make sure the emotional, mental, physical and spiritual are all addressed each day. For some this is walk in the park, literally. For others it’s some kind of meditation, mindfulness practice, or keeping a journal. For some it’s writing down ten ideas a day (I highly recommend this). Pick your flavor and stick with it.

And get a coach. I have limited slots available at the moment. Let's talk. Use coupon code LIMITED50. This will only be available for the first five takers or until my schedule is fully booked again.

Why is the dating game for men so brutal? How do you get into it if you've been outside of it for various reasons?

I'm 25. Throughout high school & college I worked my ass off to get through it all without any student loans. Being in engineering physics, I was mostly surrounded by guys and never had any time for any dating. I did what I felt was responsible at the time, but now I feel like I made a mistake.

The dating game is not brutal. If you'd put in as much work as you did in engineering, you'd be able to meet women with a half a wink of your eye.

But you didn't. You need to think of yourself as a freshman in dating. You will make mistakes. You may even have to learn some basics just to gain any proficiency, but if you take it on as you did engineering, you'll have a Ph.D. in no time.

But you are also a scientist. You understand the notion of statistical significance, iteration, posing theories and testing them. Take this approach to dating. Go to a place where females of the appropriate age and circumstances congregate, and do an experiment. Try out different introductions. Try out different questions. Try out asking something, and then not talking. Let her fill the space.

You're in a great place. You can't blame yourself for what you did or didn't do. You can learn from it and move on.

How does a handsome male in his 40s, who has been celibate for over 10 years, get back into dating?

I had a few abusive relationships and decided I was better off without a girlfriend in my life. Now I would like to try again. But I am so rusty and awkward with my flirting and dating skills. And I'm pretty sure being honest with a woman about my situation is a bad idea.

The best thing to do is just to start. You will make mistakes. You can’t get better if you are not in the game.

However, you also want to look at what it was about you that you found yourself in a series of abusive relationships, or at least set up some really clear red lines so that if an abusive relationship shows up again, you can end it fast. And if there is anything incomplete about those past relationships, complete that now (use this: How to Leave Your Ex Behind).

And honesty is sexy, but do not enroll people in how pathetic you have been or are. Just deal with what’s so and what you are up to, maybe like this:

“I was in a couple of bad relationships, and I gave it way too much meaning; so I checked out for a while. Now I’m back, and I’m committed to having a magical relationship. And I’m afraid I’m a little out of practice.” and then just shut up and see how she responds.

And I wouldn’t worry too much about flirting and dating skills. The best thing to hone is your listening skills. No one really listens, but everyone wants to be gotten.