David R. Herz: for Men

Dear Friends:

Originally posted to help you create 2018, this formula, and the sequence that follows, can be tried on any time. Sign on for a handful of exercise to take a look at where you are and determine where you want to go. Get those two figured out and you—with our help, if you want—can create a plan to get there.

We expect that some of you don't need any more than this reminder to set your year up. If you are one of those, we acknowledge you and invite you to get on with it.

For some of us though, we know a little nudge now will set us on a course to a much different place by the end of the year.

If you are one of these, in a few moments we'll invite you to get on our list so we can provide that nudge.

For some it's much worse. You're surprised you are even here at all. And maybe you're a bit like I was: Maybe you've made New Year's Resolutions. You've stopped doing that. You are so sure you'll fail, you don't want to make any promises at all. It's just too painful.

And if you are one of these, I'm glad you are here at all. It suggests you've still got at least a glimmer of hope. It suggests that at some level you know you can beat your demons. You, make that we, know that there's a bigger life available for us, and we're ready to support each other in creating it.

So for those who want a little nudge, and those who haven't given up, for those willing to take on that something else is possible, we invite you to sign on to our list. We'll be sending you a series of prompts for thought and action as we start 2018.

And here's our first: What did you do that you are proud of in 2017? Be generous with yourself. It could be that you made your first million, or your first dollar, that you married, or just went on a date, or just that you are still here to start 2018. There is no accomplishment too small if it means something to you. Please feel free to share in the comments below.

And in the meantime, sign on to:

Let's Create 2018

Asked on Quora, my answer is:

Love in reality is when you still want to be with a person after you can’t sleep because of how they occupy the bed, when you still want to kiss them with their morning breath, when you do the dishes not because you want to, but because you don’t want her to have to wake up to a sink full of dirty dishes tomorrow, when you show up even when you don’t want to, when you go places because it’s important to her, and because you smile together, and laugh together, and finish each others sentences.

I’ll let others deal with the fantasies. The reality is good enough for me.

Jakob Owens

My fiance says I stress him out and he needs space but does not want to break up. He booked an Airbnb for 3 weeks and has blocked my number. What should I do?

First, you should complete what was. You don't need to get married just because you invested all this time in a relationship.

Let's start with, knowing everything you do about him, would you still choose him if you only met him today?

If no, stop reading and end it. If yes, keep going.

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Andrew Neel

If your notion of the perfect date is going home with the hottest chick at the bar, this article is not for you. I'm about helping YOU have great long-term relationships. If that's what you want, you've come to the right place. (If you are not sure what you want, get that straightened out first.)

So what's the perfect date? It's certainly not some Hollywood fantasy of a chance meeting turning into an all night escapade and exploding into eternal love by morning. Neither is it the Hollywood favorite of finally winning your long-held secret love when she is falling for someone else.

Put simply, the perfect date leaves you with a “Heck Yeah!” or a solid “No.” If you are left in “Maybe Land,” you are killing your future.

So Here's What You Want to Know:

Your date is going to be about getting to know her values, her vision, her habits, her commitments and her expectations. Are they compatible with your own? It's not that you have to share them all, but you have to know if there's a good chance you can work with each other.

And that starts with being clear for yourself. Start by figuring out what's important to you. If you are a militanrt vegan, that might not jive with a partner who just has to start her day with bacon and eggs.

Do you have to hit the links with your crew every Sunday morning (save maybe on your honeymoon)? Does she expect you to give up your vulgar friends when you grow up and get married? How about be in church in your Sunday best, with the kids, while she sleeps in?

Does she plan to save the world? Is it her own crusade, or does she expect you to be her First Lieutenant? Or is it okay if you hang back and watch the game and mow the lawn?

You get the point. Make the list. List everything that is important to you. Figure out which really matter. If you are meeting women on-line, make sure your non-negotiables are clear. It does make the pool smaller. It also makes you stand out from the crowd, and saves both of you time.

Set the Stage:

Like I said before, you want a “Heck Yeah” or a solid “No,” and you want it quickly. So start with a short date, but let that already reflect your values. If you just love one of those big pretzels with mustard and a walk through the park, invite her to that over a lunch break. If you know she has a favorite coffee shop, offer to meet her there.

And if you can, find out a little something about her, a favorite color, or book, or flower, or a hobby or an interest. And if you find out she's into fantasy games and imagines herself an elf queen, maybe you find her a little token that appreciates that.

The point is you want to check if you are comfortable where she is, and the other way around. And if this leaves you with a bunch of “Nos” before the first date, and that's great too. Did you really want dates that weren't going anywhere anyway?

So assuming the date is on, put on a nice pair of shoes (matching your belt if you can), and go be yourself with her.

If you want to get a bit bolder, tell her this is her one chance with you. You are going to walk out of this date saying “Heck Yeah, I'd love another date” or “No, thank you.” So she might as well be herself, because you are pretty sure that's the only thing that might move you.

How can I develop a mature and yet attractive character?

I'm an 18 year old girl. How can I develop a mature character before going to 12th grade after this summer? I want to start being normal and mature unlike my 11th grade self who was so weird and had an inconsistent character.

You can first be yourself. I don't know what mature means to you, but in my book it starts with understanding that the only person you really need to serve in this world is yourself.

A mature person cries when he feels like crying and laughs when the world amuses him. A mature person doesn't worry if he looks weird. A mature person realizes that most people are way too concerned about how they look to worry too much about the next person. A mature person gets that those who laugh at someone else usually do so to avoid people looking too closely at themselves.

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