David R. Herz: for Men

I confessed to crush and got rejected as he wasn't ready for commitment but I still liked him. We remains friends but I wanted more. What should I do?

That's great. Just look at how many people are afraid to tell someone they like him and never know because they are afraid it will wreck the relationship.

You accept that he doesn't want more, and move on. You can't always get you want, but you can choose to accept what you got, which I think is pretty cool.

We just get too caught up in our own damned heads.

I was chatting with a friend yesterday. Let's call him Stan. Stan related to me that he's got a lot of friends, that a good number are even girls, but he's worried. If he asks them out, and things don't go so well, then he just might lose a friend.

The truth is that could happen. But you know what else is true. People pop into and out of our lives. Sometimes they are there for a moment, sometimes a season. Sometimes they hang around most of our lives. The problem is we can't know with any one what the case will be.

On the other hand, I can guarantee Stan that by being careful, he's likely to continue to get what he's already gotten, which is a whole lot of nothing, for a lot longer than he needs to.

The thing is, Stan is a great friend, good guy, really sweet. The only way he is going to screw up a friendship as he explores a relationship is if he dissembles (“lies”). It's the fastest way to screw up any relationship.

It's like when she says “I love you,” and you, trying to avoid an unpleasant moment say “I love you back,” when what's really going on in your head is “That's just not where I'm at yet.” You set up expectations you don't know you can live into, and then you get frustrated because you don't know how to get out of a lie. Then you get weird, and it goes downhill from there.

That's just stupid.

Stan also claims he's picky. But I call BS on that. It's just another way to avoid being responsible. When, magically, Ms. Right, falls in his lap, all will be okay. He won't have offended anyone else, and life will be hunky-dory.

But that's not how life and relationships work. Sometimes the person who could be Ms. right looks a lot more like Ms. Wrong. If Stan doesn't put himself out there he'll never find out.

So here's the thing. It's time to start asking people out, and it could start with just grabbing a cup of coffee together. It's also time to get really good at being really straight with women. All you are doing is getting to know her better.

And as long as you are straight with her and let her know where you stand, she is unlikely to get all bitter and stop being your friend. And if she does, you've got to wonder if she's really the kind of friend you wanted anyway.

And along the way, Stan will probably take a lot of those “friends” and turn them into good friends, and maybe he'll find the one who would be his girlfriend.

The bottom line is that for fear of offending some unknown person, Stan is paying with his own happiness and satisfaction, and that's just too steep a price to pay.

And the invitation to you is to look whether and where you are paying that price. The thing is unless you ask, it's already a no. But if you do ask, you've at least got a chance to turn some of those nos into yeses. And once you've done that, you can start actually seeing if the people who are already in your world might be the kind of people you'd like to make a life with.

So just do it. And if you want some support, stop by the facebook group, and let me know how many people you are going to ask out this week so we can hold you to it.

Dear Men:

Welcome to my list. I'm glad you are here. I hope you've had a chance to read the book.

Assuming you have, you should already understand that women will find you more interesting when you are interested, committed, growing.

Inside of that I noticed something about how we speak. Yesterday, I was reporting to a colleague on some research I am doing. I started writing, “Other than A and B, I didn't get much done.”

And then it hit me. I did A and B. And that's what I wrote, What's more, instead of feeling guilty for not doing enough, I added “I'm sorry, but I'm going to be busy tomorrow. I have other commitments.”

And this got me to thinking about how we represent ourselves, particularly where it comes to work. So I ask you to think about how you tell women what you do.

I'll give you two examples. First:

Her: “What do you do?”
Him: “I'm a divorce lawyer.”

This isn't actually a doing. It's the name of a job. Now try:

Her: “What do you do?”

Him: “I help people unravel their broken marriages and rebuild their lives.”

I'm not suggesting being coy and denying it when she says, “So, you're a divorce lawyer?” What I am suggesting is that you find what it is inside your work that actually gives you some reason or satisfaction to be there, and share that.

The fact that you are up to something makes you more attractive, as does the fact that you get what you are up to and the impact you make in the world.

So I invite you to look for the gold inside what you do, and find a way to express that so that it expresses the difference you are out to make in the world.

And as you do that, you might find a key into her world. So if she says “I'm a divorce lawyer,” you can say “So you help people unravel their screwed up marriages and build new lives. Wow, that's prettty neat. Tell me more about that.” It's a great way to make her feel gotten and acknowledged.

And if you haven't read the book yet, you can find it again here.

All my Best

David R. Herz

Photo by: Ihor Malytskyi

This is an excerpt from my guide, Manning Up: The Guide to Get You Back in the Relationship Game.

First, you will not forget your ex, but until you complete your relationship with her, it is likely to haunt you. (I wrote this originally for guys; if you're not a guy, just switch the pronouns: it should work just as well.)

So here's what I suggest:

1. Thank Her: Sit down and write a letter to her thanking her for every little thing she did with and for you. Acknowledge her for how she made you feel, and for who she was for you.
2. Forgive Her: Make a list for yourself of every way you think you have been slighted by her. Consider that any and all of these things might have come from a place that had nothing to do with you. Maybe she slept with someone else because of her own insecurity, not something that had anything to do with you. Write down at least one reason for each of those things that would make it not about you.
3. Forgive Yourself: You are human. You make mistakes. You screw things up. You might have just killed the best thing you ever had, and just now come to realize it. But as long as you hang on to this, you will not have any chance to see the next great thing, the one that could be ten times better than the best you've ever had. As long as you entertain any conversation that you are a screw up, you will not give yourself permission to be fully in the next relationship. That's a shame, because you deserve a great relationship. So write down every way you were a dick (excuse my language), maybe note where that came from, forgive yourself, and make a commitment not to do that again.
4. Acknowledge Yourself Give yourself credit for everything you were and brought to the relationship. You are great. Notice all the things you did to build the relationship you had. And thank yourself for that. And note that even if your ex didn't get it or appreciate it, you made a difference. And get that that passion was not wasted. Maybe misdirected, but not wasted. Don't let that go. It's part of what makes you the amazing person you are.
5. Learn from Her: Take on that maybe you did have something to do with every thing that happened. I know this sounds the opposite of a previous point; it's not. It's not that anything was wrong or your fault; it's that if you take on that you are cause in the matter, you actually can choose to come from somewhere else. Maybe try “She slept with someone else because she wasn't feeling loved by me. Where could I bring love into the next relationship so that doesn't happen again?”
6. Get that the Next one is NOT YOUR EX: We are human. We look for patterns. We get burned. We say “Aha, I'm not going to let that happen again.” The problem is we start looking for “that.” When we look, we find it. This will kill your love life. I'm not saying be stupid. But don't be suspicious for no reason. That would just be letting some past bad experience haunt you now. Don't let it.
7. Get that the next one is Different: Even if she's your ex's identical twin, she reacts and thinks and loves and hurts diffently. You can not expect to know anything about her because you know anything about humanity, or women, or even her school or family. Let her suprise you.

As a bonus opportunity, you could actually call your ex and ask her if there is any advice she has for you. Thank her for all the stuff in number 1 above. Ask forgiveness, especially if you think it was all her fault. Ask her please to share with you everything that plugged her in or turned her off. There's probably a ton of stuff you just didn't notice.

Only do this if you can avoid reacting or getting angry. You want to learn here so you can be better in the future. Then finally ask her, “What's the one piece of advice, that if I got it, you think would make the biggest difference for me in my next relationship?” and listen like your love life depends on it.

Then thank her and move along. This should be enough to get you complete. If it's not, you've probably got other conversations about relationships not distinguished. If that's the case, then write down everything you say, or even hear, about relationships. Then look at each item and ask yourself if it's true. You'll notice that there are a lot of conversations in the background that could be getting in the way. But the neat thing is, the minute you notice them, you can let them be, and not let them have power over you. You can choose to come from some place else instead.

And once you've got that behind you, come follow me on Facebook, where I share a regular word of encouragement, sprinkled with some questions for a better date.