There is something fundamental missing in the foundation of many relationships, and it is our unwillingness to go there that leads to the unnecessary termination of a lot of marriages, and a lot of heart ache.
It's like this. I'll assume we both come in with great intentions, but I think sometimes we also come in careful, especially in later-in-life marriages. We know the person. We know that it's taken time to get where he is and that a lot of growth has taken place to reach this place. We want to be good and kind, and avoid upset, and to please.
And it's this pleasing that can go wrong, or perhaps our silence in trying to be pleasing. It actually doesn't honor our counter-party. Sometimes, in our efforts to please, or maybe just not rock the boat, we forget that maybe we don't know how to please, or what works for our partner. Heck, maybe our partner doesn't know either.
Relationships have to grow, but to grow, they must also be cultivated. Maybe he'll figure out that it really works for you for him to come home with flowers every now and then. But he might not, in which case you could tell him, straight out, not just hint or wait until he does something nice to try to reinforce it, but to actually request.
I guess what I'm pointing to here is training your spouse, and taking on that he wants to be trained, by you. I presume, in a healthy relationship anyway, he wants to please you. It's possible he doesn't know how, or hasn't been informed of all the ways he can turn you on, and doesn't know the ways he turns you off.
And the only way he can know is that you tell him. We just don't get every hint, and sometimes we don't want to, but if you come straight out and tell us, we'll make an effort, maybe we'll even get creative and surprise you if you send us in the right direction and give us a little lee-way.
But it only works when we don't have to guess if we've gone too far. We could even set up a signal, that I might or might not listen to, when I've pushed it a little too far. But at least I'll know, and we'll know where we need to do our work to move forward.
The problem with not knowing, and forbearance in the hopes of avoiding discomfort now, is that we end up bottling it up, sometimes for years, until it explodes, which explosion can take us and everything around us out, which is usually not worth it.
And if we've gone too silent, too long, it might take a bit of work to start opening our mouths, and our hearts, and being vulnerable, and inventing from nothing again, I point you again to how Mr. Evans saved his marriage.
But if we don't change, we don't take it on, in all likelihood our next relationship will end at the exact same point, if we even bother again taking on getting into such a messy affair again.
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